Patriots Fan Blog has been fortunate enough to gain access to the most highly touted QB of this era. Since 1998, his rookie season, Peyton Manning has lit the league on fire with his unbelievable abilities. Drawing many comparisons with Dan Marino, Manning hopes to attain something even Marino could not: a Super Bowl ring. I sat down* with the “6’5, 230 pound quarterback, with a laser, rocket arm” and here’s what we talked about:
PFB: Peyton, congratulations on getting to the Super Bowl this year. I’m sure you want to thank some people for helping you get there, so take this opportunity now.
Peyton: Well I guess I’ve really got to thank myself. Throwing away all those games over the years has really made finally getting here all the sweeter.
I guess I should thank my team. I mean, *long pause* I’m trying to be a good teammate here, but let’s just say over the years they’ve had some mental breakdowns from time to time. Alright, just about every game, someone on the team has screwed up. I won’t name any names, but we all know it wasn’t me.
PFB: Now that you’ve beaten the Patriots in a meaningful game, where does your career go from here? Will you just be happy to be in the Super Bowl?
Peyton: I don’t know, I figure I’ll do about 15 more commercials this off season, win or lose, then see where I am.
PFB: Is your brother Eli gay?
Peyton: No. He’s only a quarter gay, as am I. From our grandfather on our mothers side who was gay.
PFB: We’ve heard rumors that you like to wear women’s underwear the day of a game. Any truth to that?
Peyton: That is absolutely false! Game day is the one day of the week that I DON’T wear ladies underpants. That would be totally unprofessional. It really bothers me that people think that.
PFB: Well, since you confirmed those rumors…. What’s your preference in ladies undergarments?
Peyton: I like the feeling of lace on my body. But today it’s granny panties, because someone’s back in town for the week.
PFB: Um… What?
Peyton: The red tide has come in?
PFB: But, that’s not possible?
Peyton: Yeah…. Right.
PFB: Moving on… Is there one particular moment of this season that you’ll always remember?
Peyton: Yeah, the “laser rocket arm” line from one of my commercials. I totally ad-libbed that, that was all me. I felt like Ryan Stiles or Colin Mochrie, I was on fire that day. I remember turning to a production assistant at one point and telling her that I should be on Whose Line, not Wayne Brady.
PFB: What do you have against Wayne Brady? Is it because he’s black, or because his last name is Brady?
Peyton: …….no comment.
PFB: We all know many athletes have a lot of superstitions they believe in. Along with the women’s underwear, do you have any other superstitions?
Peyton: Yes. I must film a commercial before each game. If I don’t then I just don’t feel right, like something is going to go wrong.
PFB: What commercial that you haven’t filmed is one you would like to do?
Peyton: I really would like to film a commercial for male enhancement pills. What’s more manly than a 6’5″ 230 pound quarterback with a laser, rocket arm selling pills to make your unit bigger? I think that kind of stuff is right in my wheel house creatively. Down the road I want to sell stuff like Ben Gay, but not until after my Jesus-like career is done.
PFB: Out of all the commercials you do, which one annoys you as much as it annoys the rest of us?
Peyton: SURELY you jest good sir!
PFB: No, I’m serious. Which one?
Peyton: You must mean annoying as in completely riveting that absolutely compels you to buy/sign up/use the product I’m endorsing!
PFB: No, I’m pretty sure I meant annoying as in you’d rather poke your eyes out with a knife than endure another 30 seconds of it.
Peyton: I’m just going to breeze over that one and tell you which director I’d like to work with in my next big commercial. The answer would have to be Clint Eastwood. The man is a genius!
PFB: If you weren’t a football player, what would you do?
Peyton: If I wasn’t a football player I’d probably focus full time on my commercial acting career.
PFB: Speaking of careers, I have to ask- Now that you are in the Super Bowl, how do you feel the publics’ perception of you will change? Do you feel you’ve now stepped out of the shadows of Ryan Leaf?
Peyton: Uhmmmm remind me again, how many commercials has Ryan Leaf done? Exactly! Set, game, match, ME! FACE! LASER ROCKET ARM!
And with that, our interview concluded. As of now Peyton Manning is gearing up for the Bears tomorrow night. I for one will be most interested in seeing his performance. I’m sure he’ll be in at least five commercials. Enjoy the Super Bowl.
* This may or may not have been an actual interview with Peyton Manning. It may or may not have instead been a collaboration between myself and Andrews.