For Society’s Sake, Let the Colts Lose!

Pretty good article from……

I live in a town that is filled predominantly with Indianapolis Colts fans, I will more than likely watch the game in the presence of Colts fans, and some of my friends are Colts fans, but…..I am not a Colts fan. While I do enjoy watching them tear through the regular season putting up jaw dropping offensive numbers (it makes for decent television on Sundays compared to Stargate SG-1 episodes), I find their post-season performances to be rather predictable (see Braves, Atlanta without the Championships). Nevertheless, I think the Colts have a very good chance of beating the New England Patriots this Sunday and earn a trip to the Super Bowl. For society’s sake though, we should all hope the Colts lose for the following reasons.

  1. If the Colts win it means more Peyton Manning on your television set. While I agree that most of Peyton Manning’s national commericials are pretty good in comparison with other athletes, can you imagine what would happen if he went, or even won a Super Bowl? They would probably have to devote a TV station for him. It would not be a good thing for any of us to see the 6-5, 230 lb quarterback with a laser, rocket arm all year long instead of just during football season.
  2. If the Colts win their Head Coach Tony Dungy will turn into Dick Vermiel and cry. It has long been talked about that Tony Dungy shows very little, if any, emotion on the sidelines. While he has shown a bit more this season, I believe if the Colts win the AFC Championship, Tony Dungy will break down and cry. After seeing the team he built (Tampa Bay Bucs) win a championship a year after he was let go, the unfortunate death of his son last season and repeatedly falling short of the Super Bowl; this has to be the moment when Dungy lets it all out.
  3. More up-close shots of Anthony ‘Booger’ McFarland. Not since the days of Craig ‘Ironhead’ Heyward has a nickname been more fitting. For all of our sakes I hope the Colts lose so that I don’t have to see this guy in press conferences leading up to the Super Bowl.
  4. If the Colts win there will be more up-close shots of Colts cheerleaders. For most teams (Tampa, Washington, Dallas, San Diego, Philly, etc.), this would be a good thing. For the viewers around America, and the world, more close-ups of the Colts Cheerleaders would be a bad thing. I’m not saying they aren’t good at cheering, I am saying they are about as attractive as your grandfather’s anus. I won’t even make you deal with a picture of them.(All complaints can go to the email listed below)
  5. I can see it already, if the Colts win….Lil’ Ronnie will make a Jay-Z-like return. The 13 yr. old rapper from ‘Nap Town will come out of his Jay-Z like retirement (he went to middle school) and lay down some rhymes. Seriously, stay in school, trust me.
  6. A Colts victory would allow Tarik Glenn to false start 14 times before the Super Bowl. I’ve watched and played a lot of football in my 27 years on this planet and never before have I seen a man ‘false start’ on so many plays. I understand that sometimes Manning has a silent snap count and all, but come on.
  7. Colts Win=More ‘Peyton Manning Face’. The ‘Peyton Manning Face’ (thank you Bill Simmons) is kind of like Death and Taxes; it’s going to happen no matter what you do. I understand you are frustrated Peyton, but come up with something different. At least Michael Jordan looked kind of cool wagging his tongue, you look like a douchebag.
  8. A Colts win means less chance of seeing Gisele Bundchen. This would certainly hurt society as a woman like this should be seen as much as possible. Tom Brady upgraded and went with the younger, more attractive woman when his relationship with Bridget Moynahan came to an end. A tip of the cap to Mr. Brady and his ability to ‘bag and tag’ this amazing creature. 
  9. The obligated bet between Mayors of the cities represented in the Super Bowl. This happens every year in the week leading up to the Super Bowl. The Mayor, and sometimes the Governor, of each city/state representated places a wager against the other that his team will win. Mayor Bart Peterson and Governor Mitch Daniels of Indiana….please do not wager a truckload of corn for a truckload of Katrina refugees if the Colts face the Saints.
  10. The roof will be taken off the RCA Dome….literally. You think this clip is bad? Wait until the Colts win. The roof will be taken off the RCA Dome and carried around Indianapolis by the citizens. I’m not sure Indianapolis could handle a championship of this magnitude. Indianapolis has not won a major sporting championship since the Indiana Pacers won an ABA Championship in 1973. Bad things are going to happen if the Colts win this Sunday.

For all the reasons listed above, and for reasons I’m sure you’ll come up with on your own; please cheer for the Colts to lose on Sunday. We will all be better off for it.

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